I think it's about time I faced facts and stopped kidding myself. This blog started, some six months ago, largely because I wanted to have somewhere I could write something that wasn't going to be marked on academic content, but mostly because I was struggling to write a Christmas Card and wanted an escape from that too. Hidden below the desire to write, which has always been with me, was a slightly darker desire. At the very genesis of this endeavour I apologised because part of me knew where this was going, this was always going to be an exercise in lugubriosity - a chance for me to be sad and sorrowful on the public stage. It's one of the main characteristics of my personality that when I'm feeling down I have to make sure everybody knows about it. I'd like to think it's not just because I'm after sympathy but for the life of me I can't understand why else I would do it. Anyone who's got me on facebook will have noticed this, especially for the 6-12 months before I started blogging: the endless song lyric statuses must have been so annoying.
Anyway, I was right to apologise, this whole thing has been me bemoaning certain things in my life and feeling just a little satisfaction that I get to show the world how sorrowful I am, interspersed with the odd attempt to justify it with something slightly deeper. But now I am done apologising. I am just the sort of person who likes to be affectedly distraught and that's the way it is. If that's what's going on with me, that's what I've got to write about. Much as I'd prefer to be contributing something more cerebral, relevant or at least entertaining to the interwebs, I love writing and I've got to write what I know and what I know is over the top sadness.
Despite all this, one day I hope I've refined my style to the point where you can be found reading something of mine that is a) not this blog and b) worth the effort of reading it. Even if all I can write is lugubrious crap, at least I can dream of a time when it's publishable crap. Old me would here go on to apologise for the fact that this blog will be continuing, and contuining in the same vein. New me will instead warn you: I've taken ownership of my demons and so I have embraced the fact that this blog will never contain literary genius, I'd recommend you take notice of this because it means that things will only get worse from here on out.
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