So, I'm back again. In and out like a pissing fiddler's elbow. For those unfamiliar with the expression, the "pissing" was for emphasis, rather than a actual part of the phrase, a pissing fiddler would have to have a pretty stationary elbow to avoid severe toilet inaccuracy.
This deliberately has no structure, much like my left knee currently, which seems to have been decimated by me making the rookie error of trying to put my foot on the floor, obviously a poor move.
Other poor moves include purchasing a cineworld unlimited card. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to be able to watch as many films as I like without having to pay, but the card only pays for itself if you watch two films a month. Now all of a sudden you're having to meet a quota. The flicks used to be a treat, now it's almost a chore and furthermore, they don't seem to make two good films per month, so now I've paid money to be forced to watch at least one sub-standard film a month, it seems a slightly rough deal, when you stop and think about it.
I was right earlier when I said this would have no structure, as it's been a draft for several months and I've no idea where I was going with it. I think the plan was to take the last idea, word, phrase or concept of each paragraph and use it write the next paragraph on an unrelated topic but with said idea, word, phrase or concept as a jumping-off point. An intriguing concept that I may revisit at some stage, but for now I'm just easing back in by going over my unpublished material and seeing what can and can not be salvaged as a good piece to publish. (They all come under can not be salvaged because they were written by me but as the shortest and most recent of my many many draft entries this was an obvious place to start and in truth, I'm somewhat proud of the pissing fiddler joke).
However, the reams of virtual paper filled with words unsaid seems a decent topic to finish on. I could enumerate the attempts at fiction, or make some survey of the opinion pieces or map the milestone musings, but I guess I'll just look at it overall and try and make some attempt to bring meaning to it.
It's symptomatic of me, of course. A lot of what is published in this blog is words I couldn't say out loud so I suppose it make sense that some of them end up left alone and not even posted on the web.
Some of them are left as drafts for months and then deleted entirely, how this compares to words in my heart I don't know, I don't think I've ever erased anything from there. I still harbour some feelings for my junior-school "crushes", in draft form rather than anything more concrete. In fact I met one on work experience from college and briefly fell in love all over again. Thankfully the ones who know who they were don't stop by here. As far as I know, anyway.
I'm struggling for a conclusion, but then again, this wasn't supposed to be structured. It would have been nice to say something meaningful about making our voices heard or not being closed off, but in truth it would be hollow because amongst the never-released dross there's a thing or two that deserves its place in the rubbish bin and which I will never allow to be seen or heard. As sincere as the unpublished and ultimately deleted "Telephonic Soliloquy" was, it was an attempt to bring together a passion for fiction and the facts of my passion, making the creative writing sloppy and the real-life portions insincere. It was a failure and while I remember it still, three years later, it was ultimately a product of a part of me I wish didn't exist, the part that is as truly me as any other part but never gets the memo from the rest of me and is not a team player, it seeks to turn every life experience into something I can write with the ultimate goal of finding something publishable, not on a blog, but in print. This part of me ignores the fact that some of my life has to be just for me and tries to get me to whore out my few experiences and my meagre talent in pursuit of the dream.
Anyway, this is getting perilously close to something else that won't see the light of day so I'll end here. Sorry to have wasted another five of your minutes.
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