First off, I'd like to acknowledge an until now silent contributor to this blog. It seems that I've been dealing with some of the same issues as "the Ramblings of Livyar". It's unintentional, but I read that blog, ruminate on the views therein and go on to publish my take on it. And I'm set to do it again today so I thought I'd give credit where it's due and plug what is a great read.
Today's plagiarised topic, which also has a supporting role in "the life and times of Gary", is love. It's something that we all experience and it's something that we've all got an opinion on, so here's mine.
It's a kind of sensitive subject, of course, and so this might not be my most expressive entry, and I'm struggling to work out where to start with it. I'd also like to offer advanced warning that it will probably get quite awkward reading this because, as with everything I've written, I'm doing it more for the cathartic process of writing than for it to be read so it's more or less inevitable that I'll say too much as I have done before and this will get way too in-depth. In fact, I'd like to request that if you are a friend of mine reading this, could you read no further unless you really, really feel you have to? I know, I know, it's on the internet, it's my own fault if it gets read, but it won't be going on Facebook and as I said, this writing process is more about me than you (sorry) and I feel it has to be published to complete the process. If you feel for whatever reason that you need to know what I have to say, please read on, but if you can possibly live not knowing, please go and have a cup of tea instead. As for those reading this who don't know me, feel free to carry on, your opinion of me doesn't matter.
I suppose it's logical to start with where I am now. So, for two years, four months and around twenty-six-and-a-half days I have been in love. I seem to have experienced the Kübler-Ross process in the course of trying to deal with these unrequited (and I sometimes think unrequitable) feelings. The 'five stages of dying' are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance and whilst I have not been through these in the traditional linear procession I am currently lying in acceptance.
But that doesn't mean the love is gone, just that I have traversed the sea of depression, anger and bargaining to the tranquil bays of knowing that it can never be, and being content to have found love, even unrequitedly. All the cliches about if you love them, you'll be happy to set them free have proven true.
This, of course, is the true source of my graduation terrors. For as much as I have accepted my situation, and am willing to let go the hope of love, I've come to rely on having certain people in my life as motivation to get up in a morning.
So that's where I'm at right now and now I'd like to engage more directly with my peers and their musings on the subject. I've never seen the question of whether unrequited love can be genuine love actually asked before Livyar did, although I have met those who believe the answer is no, even if they won't admit it. I'd concur with Liv that it is as valid as returned love, but then I'm a little biased, perhaps.
However, I think that most of my peers are quite pessimistic in their outlook on love. There are of course the non-believers and the disillusioned, but even those who claim to believe in love or even be in love can not seem to believe that I can have true feelings for someone. I guess I can see why, a guy like me, a girl like her, it's got to be a stupid crush, yes? NO!
There's times I've wished it were. We all have systems for dealing with a crush and that sort of faux love is out of our system very quickly, and doesn't hurt in such a way that pain relief would be tantamount to a death sentence.
Thrice I've confided in someone (and never in the person I'd really want to, of course. I'm a man, I don't do emotional intelligence) and none of these people has dealt well with the emotionally fragile and angsty cry-baby I've become (yep, still a man). The first had the audacity to suggest I was caught in some lustful infatuation based solely on animalistic instincts and desires. The second took the opportunity to whine about her bad experiences (meaning I ended up giving her the support and comfort I'd been seeking from her) and the third committed perhaps the worst of sins. He tried to be a good friend. I think it was Henri Nouwen who said that
The third person fell into the trap of trying to help in an impossible situation, as I have done when my friends needed comfort. For the attempt to help I will be eternally grateful, but it was one which left me feeling quite alienated and misunderstood, pushing me deeper into anger and depression. So, I got back into writing: poetry, songs, short stories, anything just to get the feelings out. Nothing did, not as it had before, I was left to wallow in despair until finally came the zen-like moment of acceptance. The dreams I had - the marriage, the house, the kids - were gone and out of reach, but I still have the love of which these dreams were born. Do you know how many people search their whole lives for something like that and fail? I bet it's a bloody lot. And she will undoubtedly be happy without me, from which thought I draw no small comfort.when we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand
I would almost prefer the depression to this acceptance, which seems almost like terrible numb apathy. But I have nearly reached the fifth stage of the fifth stage. Accepting my acceptance will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
perchance I am mindful of the way our future meetings will be few and far between and, most of all, maybe I am preparing myself for the inevitable diaspora. But I would give anything to forfeit this apathy and once again stand, a defeated and depressed man, broken by the cruel vicissitudes of fate, back amongst the heat of that love that was so strong it burned me. The fires of Hell could surely not be so hot, and yet be endured so willingly by mortal flesh.
(Extract from my last missive on love, as to why I have come to acceptance)
Dan I loved reading this because I've never discussed my experience with someone who has experienced such a similar thing.
ReplyDeleteYou're right it is not an animalistic thing, I had questions on the difference between love and lust, and obsession after I posted, but it only makes sense to the individual experiencing it, and that is different in each situation, so I don't assume I know your situation of course!
All I can say is that in my experience, moving on to a new part of life was the best thing for me, as it was like a new freedom, I was allowed to move on, and being in a place of acceptance is the best stage to be in when this takes place. You'll never forget, but you will move on and look back on loving that person with good memories and be satisfied that they'll be happy in their new part of life too.
Good post Dan, I really identified with what you said!