Well, tomorrow's the end. (Actually, now I look at the clock and see that midnight ticked by some time ago, it turns out today is the end). The last official day of lectures at university. All that's left now are a few essays and presentations and the 5000 word study, which would be terrifying me if I could but accept the reality of its existence. Everything seems like some very vivid dream right now, so if I'm acting weird, that's why: it's because I don't feel like what's going on around me is real. I'm severing my links to reality because I can't accept the reality of what is happening.
I've said before that there's only one thing that makes me feel like getting out of bed is worth the bother and after today she'll be gone, lost, and now I look back and realise I wasted so much of the time that was given me to spend with her. In name, that time was three years, but in practise it was merely a couple of hours a week for 60 weeks. If you add it all up it probably comes to something less than 9 months. I had 9 months with what has become the most important thing in my life and today marks the end. Other than perhaps two more chances to cast my eyes in her direction, it's over and I have to move on. But moving on is the hardest thing ever. My body will, my mind might, but my heart can't. By the way, "she" is obviously a person, but you could read it as a metaphor for the university itself or just the body of people within it. All three fit the bill.
It's important that I express myself about this, but I am the least confident speaker on Earth. I can write a speech for fun but to actually express any of the words is a struggle. And so I find myself back in my old familiar place, face to glowing face with a laptop, pouring my heart out to a plastic box filled with wires and thereby to the very small number of people who bother to read what I inflict upon the Internet.
The agony of creation is back, but this time it's more the agony of expression. Luckily I don't need to tell an institution how I feel about it: neither the bricks and mortar of the building nor the people who metaphysically represent it can comprehend such things, but those I count as friends don't, I think, know how much they mean to me. I can never find the words when I need them, nor could I adequately express my love for these people even if I could just open my mouth and speak. I'm quiet, I wouldn't say shy, but you can think about it that way if it makes it easier to understand. I value quiet time, for me silence really is golden. When you get to that point where you are comfortable to be silent with someone, you have reached a level of friendship that words could never express and so words, being superfluous, therefore fade away.
I appreciate that not everyone feels this way and even if they do, don't see us as being that close. I therefore apologise for every silence which ever left you feeling like I didn't want to talk to you and for the presumption that those silences were as comfortable for you as they were for me. I just wanted any of my friends who do read this to know that I'm so grateful to have been allowed to feature in some small way in your lives and hope that I will be a continuing feature in the years to come.
I actually thought of writing a short piece for each of you, since I can't seem to express myself properly verbally, but it just seemed a bit stupid so you'll have to make do with being told as a group that every single one of you is special to me in a way that my most beautiful words can not begin to express.
I can't believe its the end either.
ReplyDeleteIt is so completely mental that 3 years has gone by in such a flash, when one lecture can seem never ending!
I know what you mean about not being able to express stuff in words because I can express it better in writing too, and to me it seems weird that anyone an read my innermost thoughts but at the same time its who you are, and there's nothing in what I've written I wouldn't freely admit.
I like what you've written about friends too because sometimes you can't say what you need to because of the cringe factor, but I'm sure our whole year and general group of friends know what you mean. No one can prepare anyone for leaving, because you know it'll never be the same and no one knows what the 'different' will actually be.